Here’s the unruly mind of Jenna P.
Cheers to the raw, the real, the mad.
The entry page of my journal reads… And so as my heart beats and my mind keeps, I will forever create new. Patterns, ideas, loves. As I continue to breathe I will love deeply, understand knowingly, and listen intently. The Earth will supply me with necessities and with love, the rest will be provided. For my inner love shines through my skin, I begin to touch more and more who come within. And so, a new journey begins. My heart throbs for adventure as my mind begs for change with a love that never dies out.
Relax into the movement, into the moment. Be with the tide of the Universe, following her oceanic rhythms. As we busy our schedules, plan our days, we lose ourselves. Our souls are destroyed by the ever wakening day. And that is why people come to term with the idea of “being bored”. For their soul has disappeared with a nonstop movement. It has again and again been undiscoverable. We lose ourselves without free time to adapt/grow/change/experience.
Start to be a catalyst of positive thinking and positive energies. Contagious laughter and contagious love.
I will never, not once be accounted as a woman that is engaged to him, married to him, a mother to children, a daughter of a man. I will stand on my own two feet not just as a woman but raw as I am. Who I am without a definition, without an attachment. I am alone and I stand.
The truth is I’m fucking disgusted with the culture we have created in regards to gender equality. Women alone in their nature are superior to men. Just in our bodies alone we are deemed for success in the very essence of physiological processes through functions and structure. In my own beliefs , in our far history women were noticed as superior, higher beings and worshipped. over time men were unsatisfied with being less than. So they became corrupt with greed and power and getting off on the disruption of a females beautiful energies. Powerful men across the globe, men that I’ve looked up to have let me down. That doesn’t go to say all men should explode into a black hole of the universe. But it should say to the women across the seas who’ve been put in positions of disrespect, disregard, and both physical & mental abuse that it’s time to ignite the fire that has always been inside of us. As more and more stories are revealed of powerful men disrespecting women I’m sickened yet inspired to share with you my thoughts.
Women are brilliant, each of us a perfectly crafted vessel of genius, love, and an abundance of energy. Never let a man and his desire and greed for control alter ANY of who you are and who you want to become. We were meant for greatness and have always been. Go out today and stand the fuck up for justice, respect, and equality no matter the gender. We are humans, we are a species that could grow to vast levels of great consciousness. Let’s not ignore our roots 🙏🏽
Why does it feel like im under water
Everyones faces and bodies contorted
Their words unfocused
Their eyes a blur
I don’t know where I am
But its deep inside
Locked in feeling forced to continue
We have to rip are hearts and souls out just to find them again
I guess im at the part where there’s no soul or heart
I love watching the people who leave their hometown and explore their unknowns. The move gives them a new space to grow without restrictions. Without people afraid of their truths and potential. It gives them an opportunity to separate themselves as individuals and truly develop who they are. And damn, watching that, even through social media is incredible. Shout out to all the people I know growing and never stopping their expansion.
Cheers to the ones who can come back to their hometowns and continue to be who they are to the fullest; Never feeling restricted by their roots but empowered by them.
Everything has been a blur over the past few months. The movements have been too quickly made that my thoughts, my mind fade the moment out. So focused on what is to come. Leaving, rather dropping what I hold in my hands in the present to grasp for a future that has yet to arrive. How does one survive this tumultuous, speedy journey? I’ve realized, this is how most people live their lives. Never here and now. Not seeing the present as a gift, but as a sacrifice for the future or a representation of a sad, regretted past. I choose the other side. I walk slowly, consciously, aware of the weight of my foot, the pressure of gravity on my limb, the placement of my foot on the ground, and the seamless glide of sequential steps. I breathe in and out. Effortlessly, but aware of each interaction I have with another being. I am becoming more of my self everyday. I have powers others do not. Others have powers I do not. I am unique and kind and thoughtful as well as thought-provoking. Others have an interest in me and I have an interest in others. I am here. Unafraid. I am here. Exploding with enthusiasm. For life. For love. For the smallest blessings.
Where to start? I haven’t been with myself for a while now, so I wait for a flow to come to me. At this moment in time, I feel my physical body and greater being pulling in all directions, searching for abundance when it’s already HERE. I’ve had such a hard time focusing on the present lately. I’m so focused on growth in a future tense without a clear thought that future growth comes from change in the present. I want to look a certain way and that often gives my mind the opportunity to destroy confidence in the NOW. But if I don’t love me now, I won’t ever. If I sob & kick and wallow in sorrow I’m wasting precious life energy. Energy which can be utilized for manifestation and creation NOW. All of my present actions will be more fulfilling awake in them, conscious of the movement in the moment. I am capable. I am powerful. I am resilient. I have and will continue to be abundant in all aspects. It comes from within.
My mind/ego or so-named side self is tricking me again. Playing Her games. Putting thoughts of self-hatred in the morning routine. For some reason (Leo– strong ego?) she sticks with mostly physical insults. It’s hard to attack the inner me cuz she’s lovely and who I aim to be all the time. My mind is obsessed with the perfect image of who it sees me as — the facade that can be but isn’t yet. It’s always been this way. My mind always found something to hate about the human form I currently own. I’ve always allowed her in, unknowingly at first, but as I meditated and grew I saw her for what she was. I saw the rage and fear she could bring on. I witnessed the sadness as she pulled at my innermost fears and forced me to face them. Maybe that’s why she’s done it all. She knew the only way to become the complete version of me was to see myself clearly; not to bullshit anymore.
I’ve let her in so deep she’s ruined moments that could have been so beautiful. She controls by fear. I’ve been afraid of many things, some I shied away from; some I moved through. But I never saw her tantalizing as fear before. I just saw her as a part of who I was. Now I can separate the two. An immense step, but there’s still roots attached.
Not all of the weeds are controlled in the garden of my mind. The clover lurks around the brilliant blooms.
She taunts and bullies my physical body. She is what makes me think of harming myself. She is what makes me cringe at my reflection. She is what breaks me. She is the one who holds me from my truest orgasmic experience of life. Yet I am here. Standing. Unafraid.
I’ve watched countless loved ones struggle with body image and eating disorders. No one taught us how to have a healthy relationship with food!! I am not to blame and neither are they. We’ve been coerced as consumers to not think as much about what we physically consume and for reason. Present-day consumption brings about struggles in all peoples (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual), even those who never minded their relationship with food.
Our ancestors knew how sacred eating was to the human body and spirit, but that has fallen away from present-day society. Every person will come to a place in their life where they need that relationship in clarity to survive in peace and reach their truest potential. SO, my question is; where did we lose a good relationship with food? That which gives us the energy to build on our passions and grow in love? That which allows us to continue to evolve? How do we go about making a change that spreads through multiple generations? For starters, I believe veganism is a grandiose step in the evolution of our relationship with food. Becoming vegan allows you to think about food from a new perspective and orientat yourself towards what foods are healthy and in what proportion. Imagine, when we were younger (elementary schools) our teacher’s in school taught us more about how food was produced? Imagine knowing your deeper connection to the Earth at a young age? Imagine being told that when you’re quiet and listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs? Imagine having the perspective that globally, others do not have access to food as we do in US?
As humans, we can change our nutritional values for the better and the path is quite clear… FIX our relationships with food.
What’s with the isolation and fragmentation of passions in our society? Who says you cannot do exactly what it is you desire? Well, I feel like a lot of people cast judgement on those who want more than one occupation. I see myself as an explorer of all avenues of creation. From the human arts and sciences to the wild my passions flutter. I love photography, poetry, research, nature writing, science writing, teaching, and taking care of/spending time with animals. I also love yoga and meditation and hiking. All things I want to fill my life with as well as my career. And of course, vegan cuisine fits in there ;). What to do with all of the energy inside? Embrace on a myriad of journeys, creating a wide path of my own? I think so…
We have learned to create ourselves as fragmented beings. Specialists in a calling. Not more than one or you’re confused. Professional institutions teach us this… law & policy for lawyers, cultural readings for english majors and maybe history. Scales & measurements for the scientists. Poetry? Song? Artists only. We cannot mix. We aren’t told to be more than. If we listen deeply to ourselves, this is not how it should be. We do not need professional help for every little thing. We do not inherently crave a mundane existence where the dancers dance, but the song writers can’t & the lawyer is banned. It seems this way to experience our world — fragmented– is no longer attuned to our inner — just the outer. We’ve lost our way through becoming specialists. By becoming a singular ripple or wave instead of the whole.
Morning thoughts and questions;
Every vibration in existence holds beauty, but are your ears attuned to it? Are your eyes clear?
It’s only when you feel the life pulse through your entire being that can you truly be alive. Do you feel the blood in your toes?
Sometimes doing nothing brings me to the answer I was looking for. I often find myself fighting against the current to realize if I just let go, clarity arises.
The way of self suffering – is my pain intoxicating subconsciously?
The types of questions a mature person asks.
How is it I let my emotions dictate my actions?
How is it that so often I am only capable of being rude when I am overly emotional?
How is it that I allow myself to hurt other people because I’m “feeling” a way?
How do I get past this?
How do I look at a situation objectively, with a clear view when the situation tempts me to be emotionally charged and respond w emotion?
I’m 22, woo:).
For when you need this OSHO reminder….
Our intrinsic nature is to be oceanic and to force an ocean into a dewdrop is certain to create anxiety, anguish misery agony
On the grave of your ego blossoms the lotus of your being
Addicted to seeing a revelation as to who we are. Addicted to renewing our entire being when we feel empty and guilty of our current flow. Losing it entirely.
Suffocation – I woke with a hateful mind. The sun rose and altered the fear. I rest within love.
The morning bubble – I want to wrap the comfort of you around me like the warm morning sheets. I want the day to stay dark & silent. I want the clarity of dawn to continue throughout my days. I like the silent spaces in my head.
I woke up this morning with instant gratitude. My damn thoughts felt like an alarm. The scream of I AM SO THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE pinging in the back of my mind as I shot up perpendicular to me bed & jumped straight to my feet. I sat with myself in silence for a while and allowed the thoughts to flow through. How calming it is to watch them.
I’m not sure where or why people came to an understanding that differing beliefs was an issue.
Was it because those whom were at first powerful held onto stingy beliefs for their own profit, even when at once they knew what they believed was not true?
And was it because those who held beliefs had made them up and found them not to be true but, their ego unleashed this burden for them to keep so, now they feel as though they must?
I found this blurb in a undated 2017 journal entry this morning… fitting now as I deleted most of my social media.
Okay, I think we can all agree on one thing. Social media has created another dimension of anxieties for young women. Since a female is given a phone, probably around 11 maybe earlier, she has access to a variety of social media. At a young age her subconscious mind is picking up signals of what she isn’t and what she doesn’t have, which links to a new subset of her anxieties. AT SUCH A VULNERABLE AGE she is exposed to both extremes of unhealthy modeling of the human body: too little or too much weight for the human body to function as it’s meant to.
You cannot say you love yourself, truthfully, if you do not take care of your body. To have a complete connection with yourself, you have to be healthy in all 3 aspects. To love yourself is to care for and nourish your body, soul, & mind.
Ego only knows the mind and the body. Not the heart, not the love. Listen to your soul.
A note to myself on moving forward. Walk through this path with eyes closed, trusting your grounding. And what you always imagined will come true.
I write my feelings out to appear normal on the outside.
My creativity stems from silence. It cannot arise besides from silence. The in between of bustling thoughts.
I just need to empty my head through a bleeding pen
I am patient, kind, beautiful, and I walk through flames untouched, unburdened.
My heart is constantly in my throat since we left one another
My stomach in my chest
Everything rises when you raise emotional hell
Imagine what we could hVe been if you didn’t make me feel so alone
Our demons could not play carefully, they only knew how to crash into each other
FUck. Expansion hurts.
Stretch marks on the soul
There is no mold a better fit than your own
My ears adjust me to reality as the coos of the mourning doves wake me
I am grateful to be alive
Another day to create who I want to be
a clean perspective
Yet I grab my phone to look at other people
I feel instant lack
I put myself onto something to reset the vibration of the initial moments and I do
I remember again that I am whole without the world