Here’s the unruly mind of Jenna P.
Cheers to the raw, the real, the mad.
The entry page of my journal reads… And so as my heart beats and my mind keeps, I will forever create new. Patterns, ideas, loves. As I continue to breathe I will love deeply, understand knowingly, and listen intently. The Earth will supply me with necessities and with love, the rest will be provided. For my inner love shines through my skin, I begin to touch more and more who come within. And so, a new journey begins. My heart throbs for adventure as my mind begs for change with a love that never dies out.
Relax into the movement, into the moment. Be with the tide of the Universe, following her oceanic rhythms. As we busy our schedules, plan our days, we lose ourselves. Our souls are destroyed by the ever wakening day. And that is why people come to term with the o]idea of “being bored”. For their soul has disappeared with a nonstop movement. It has again and again been undiscoverable. We lose ourselves without free time to adapt/grow/change/experience.
Start to be a catalyst of positive thinking and positive energies. Contagious laughter and contagious love.
Everything has been a blur over the past few months. The movements have been too quickly made that my thoughts, my mind fade the moment out. So focused on what is to come. Leaving, rather dropping what I hold in my hands in the present to grasp for a future that has yet to arrive. How does one survive this tumultuous, speedy journey? I’ve realized, this is how most people live their lives. Never here and now. Not seeing the present as a gift, but as a sacrifice for the future or a representation of a sad, regretted past. I choose the other side, I choose the Buddha way. I walk slowly, consciously, aware of the weight of my foot, the pressure of gravity on my limb, the placement of my foot on the ground, and the seamless glide of sequential steps. I breathe in and out. Effortlessly, but aware of each interaction I have with another being. I am becoming more of my inner being everyday and it’s thrilling. I have powers others do not. Others have powers I do not. I am unique and kind and thoughtful as well as thought-provoking. Others have an interest in me and I have an interest in others. I am here. Unafraid. I am here. Exploding with enthusiasm. For life. For love. For the smallest blessings.
Where to start? I haven’t been with myself for a while now, so I wait for a flow to come to me. At this moment in time, I feel my physical body and greater being pulling in all directions, searching for abundance when it’s already HERE. I’ve had such a hard time focusing on the present lately. I’m so focused on growth in a future tense without a clear thought that future growth comes from change in the present. I want to look a certain way and that often gives my mind the opportunity to destroy confidence in the NOW. But if I don’t love me now, I won’t ever. If I sob & kick and wallow in sorrow, I may burn calories, but I’m wasting precious life energy. Energy which can be utilized for manifestation and creation NOW. I am adding more exercise to my routine, eating healthier, drinking less… all of these present actions will be more fulfilling awake in them, conscious of the movement in the moment. I want more wealth. This notion allows my mind to stress for moments when I feel abundance running out. This is not true and it never will be! I work two paid positions at the moment with a paid research project, and a third job starting next month. I even got a raise for one of those current positions! I am capable. I am powerful. I am resilient. I have and will continue to be abundant in all aspects. It comes from within.
My mind/ego or so-named side self is tricking me again. Playing Her games. Putting thoughts of self-hatred in the morning routine. For some reason (Leo– strong ego?) she sticks with mostly physical insults. It’s hard to attack the inner me cuz she’s lovely and who I aim to be all the time. My mind is obsessed with the perfect image of who it sees me as — the facade that can be yet isn’t. It’s always been this way. My mind always found something to hate about the human form I currently own. I’ve always allowed her in, unknowingly at first, but as I meditated and grew I saw her for what she was. I saw the rage and fear she could bring on. I witnessed the sadness as she pulled at my innermost fears and forced me to face them. Maybe that’s why she’s done it all. She knew the only way to become the complete version of me was to see myself clearly; not to bullshit anymore.
I’ve let her in so deep she’s ruined moments that could have been so beautiful. She controls by fear. I’ve been afraid of many things, some I shied away from; some I moved through. But I never saw her tantalizing as fear before. I just saw her as a part of who I was. Now I can separate the two (a mind and a being). Which is an immense step, but there’s still some roots attached. Not all of the weeds are controlled in the garden of my head. The clover lurks around the brilliant blooms, ruining their radiance.
She taunts and bullies my physical body. She is what makes me think of harming myself. She is what makes me cringe at my reflection. She is what breaks me. She is the one who holds me from my truest orgasmic experience of life. Yet I am here. Standing. Unafraid.
I’ve had an odd relationship with food since I was little. At first, things were somewhat normal. As a child, my eyes were bigger than my stomach at all times, but I ate what I could and wasn’t too picky. Then I started being picky. Then my grandfather called me chubby when I was 9, so I became pickier. I tried to eat healthier and exercise more. When high school hit my thoughts about food became neurotic. I saw so many women that I idolized solely based on their appearance everywhere (TV, IG, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, PINTEREST, TUMBLR, ADVERTISEMENTS). I exercised like hell and barely ate during the day. This practice carried unbearable cravings later in the evening — often I would binge on healthy foods, feel insanely guilty, hate on myself, and bash myself in the morning. My relationship with food at that point in time only spiraled out of control. I never confronted it as an issue. I never accepted that the reason I was afraid of food (even recently) was because I had built such a horrible relationship with what was supposed to be an energy source for my physical enclosure.
Back in high school, it was popularity, self-love, image, and my relationship with self that were the focus, but in the negative and this drove me to toxic eating behaviors. I’ve watched countless loved ones struggle with body image and eating disorders as well. No one taught us how to have a healthy relationship with food!! I am not to blame and neither are they. We’ve been coerced as consumers to not think as much about what we physically consume and for reason (more on mass production another time;). Present-day consumption brings about struggles in all peoples (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual), even those who never minded their relationship with food.
Our ancestors knew how sacred eating was to the human body and spirit, but that has fallen away from present-day society. Every person will come to a place in their life where they need that relationship in clarity to survive in peace and reach their truest potential. SO, my question is; where did we lose a good relationship with food? That which gives us the energy to build on our passions and grow in love? That which allows us to continue to evolve? How do we go about making a change that spreads through multiple generations? For starters, I believe veganism is a grandiose step in the evolution of our relationship with food. Becoming vegan starts a chain reaction in your mind…allowing you to think about food from a new perspective and orientating yourself towards the truths of mass production and what foods are truly healthy and in what proportion. Imagine, when we were younger (elementary schools) our teacher’s in school taught us more about how food was produced? Imagine knowing your deeper connection to the Earth at a young age? Imagine being told that when you’re quiet and listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs? Imagine having the perspective that globally, others do not have access to food as we do in US?
As humans, we can change our nutritional values for the better and the path is quite clear… FIX our relationships with food.
What’s with the isolation and fragmentation of passions in our society? Who says you cannot do exactly what it is you desire? Well, I feel like a lot of people cast judgement on those who want more than one occupation. I see myself as an explorer of all avenues of creation. From the human arts and sciences to the wild my passions flutter. I love photography, poetry, research, nature writing, science writing, teaching, and taking care of/spending time with animals. I also love yoga and meditation and hiking. All things I want to fill my life with as well as my career. And of course, vegan cuisine fits in there ;). What to do with all of the energy inside? Embrace on a myriad of journeys, creating a wide path of my own? I think so…
We have learned to create ourselves as fragmented beings. Specialists in a calling. Not more than one or you’re confused. Professional institutions teach us this… law & policy for lawyers, cultural readings for english majors and maybe history. Scales & measurements for the scientists. Poetry? Song? Artists only. We cannot mix. We aren’t told to be more than. If we listen deeply to ourselves, this is not how it should be. We do not need professional help for every little thing. We do not inherently crave a mundane existence where the dancers dance, but the song writers can’t & the lawyer is banned. It seems this way to experience our world — fragmented– is no longer attuned to our inner — just the outer. We’ve lost our way through becoming specialists. By becoming a singular ripple or wave instead of the whole.
No one can know the brilliance you hide… To think what I needed was inside of me sounded like a dream. OH DAMN. If it were that easy to peak inside this vessel for something more than this Earthly life. This Earthly being did not longer seem appealing. I wanted more. An open sky of potential is what I craved. SO the great teacher’s speak and note that, that kind of openness & emptiness exists inside with a quiet mind. WAIT? I want more. Not less. Not silence. I want abundance! See I listened, but I did not hear. Until I was still. I looked inside and found the oceans, the mountains, endless blooming gardens, and an open sky. My inner Universe :).
Morning thoughts and questions;
Every vibration in existence holds beauty, but are your ears attuned to it? Are your eyes clear?
It’s only when you let it pulse through your entire being (the life source) can you truly be alive. Do you feel the blood in your toes?
Sometimes doing nothing brings me to the answer I was looking for. I often find myself fighting against the current to realize if I just let go, clarity arises.
I sometimes read whT I’ve written in the past with questions for the older perspective
I often gawk that I can write with such an elegant voice and flow when my mind is in a deep black hole 🕳
It’s the like the narrative pulls me from sinking further
Writing, a hand of a friend
Asking me to step off the ledge.
The way of self suffering – is my pain intoxicating subconsciously?
The types of questions a mature person asks.
How is it I let my emotions dictate my actions?
How is it that so often I am only capable of being rude when I am overly emotional?
How is it that I allow myself to hurt other people because I’m “feeling” a way?
How do I get past this?
How do I look at a situation objectively, with a clear view when the situation tempts me to be emotionally charged and respond w emotion?
I’m 22, woo:).
For when you need this OSHO reminder….
Our intrinsic nature is to be oceanic and to force an ocean into a dewdrop is certain to create anxiety, anguish misery agony
On the grave of your ego blossoms the lotus of your being
Addicted to seeing a revelation as to who we are. Addicted to renewing our entire being when we feel empty and guilty of our current flow. Losing it entirely.
Suffocation – I woke with a hateful mind. The sun rose and altered the fear. I rest within love.
The morning bubble – I want to wrap the comfort of you around me like the warm morning sheets. I want the day to stay dark & silent. I want the clarity of dawn to continue throughout my days. I like the silent spaces in my head.
I woke up this morning with instant gratitude. My damn thoughts felt like an alarm. The scream of I AM SO THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE pinging in the back of my mind as I shot up perpendicular to me bed & jumped straight to my feet. I sat with myself in silence for a while and allowed the thoughts to flow through. How calming it is to watch them.
I’m not sure where or why people came to an understanding that differing beliefs was an issue.
Was it because those whom were at first powerful held onto stingy beliefs for their own profit, even when at once they knew what they believed was not true?
And was it because those who held beliefs had made them up and found them not to be true but, their ego unleashed this burden for them to keep so, now they feel as though they must?
I found this blurb in a undated 2017 journal entry this morning… fitting now as I deleted most of my social media.
Okay, I think we can all agree on one thing. Social media has created another dimension of anxieties for young women. Since a female is given a phone, probably around 11 maybe earlier, she has access to a variety of social media. At a young age her subconscious mind is picking up signals of what she isn’t and what she doesn’t have, which links to a new subset of her anxieties. AT SUCH A VULNERABLE AGE she is exposed to both extremes of unhealthy modeling of the human body: too little or too much weight for the human body to function as it’s meant to.
You cannot say you love yourself, truthfully, if you do not take care of your body. To have a complete connection with yourself, you have to be healthy in all 3 aspects. To love yourself is to care for and nourish your body, soul, & mind.
Ego only knows the mind and the body. Not the heart, not the love. Listen to your soul.
A note to myself on moving forward. Walk through this path with eyes closed, trusting your grounding. And what you never imagined will come true.